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September 9th, 2009
09:26 pm
09/09/09 todayy
parents are upstairs fighting away. but im in my room so i can really only hear murmurs.
too upset today to even think of eating.. which im kindof glad about.
im still off on my own little island it seems, but instead of thunderstorms, its cloudy.
im numb. its weird feeling nothing, it makes you want to feel something, anything.
i think im going on a fast, because the idea of food just repulses me at this point. i just dont want it. nothing entering this mouth, except for gum and diet sodas/water.
dear mom,
one day you will regret calling me fat on numerous occasions, and forcing me to the gym, and criticizing me when i eat anything unhealthy. because i will be stick-thin and unhealthy. and i will thank you from the bottom of my heart, because i know that i wouldnt have been able to do it without you and your critisism. i wonder if youll happy with me then? so dont worry, im working on getting there for you, just hang on a few more months.. if i can.
sincerly,
your daughter, megan
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September 3rd, 2009
10:28 pm - food plan. so i dont have to plan it ALL day tomorrow.
tomorrows plan (TYPICAL DAY FROM NOW ON)-
breakfest- /
lunch- water, strawberries (large container), medium apple - 133 cals
supper- large salad - 110 cals
snacks- medium apple, cucumbers - 90 cals
TOTAL - 333 (aha weird.. i did not even plan that one)
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10:19 pm
(im writing this solely for myself to know i can do it)
400 calories [ 500 MAX cause of exercise ] per day.
no ifs, ands, or buts.
this is complete bullshit, im fucking huge, why is my control slipping from me.
im coming back, i can do this.
i also need to exercise EVERY day for an hour, (45 mins cardio, 15 min strength training)
by doing this i should reach my gw1 in three weeks (by my bday), gw2 by mid- october, and ugw by end of november.
:)
woahhh i feel better, had to get that off my chest. now i have a plan. im in charge.
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August 30th, 2009
06:28 pm - welcome :)
first time posting in my journal, so i thought id start with a quiz to get to know me :)
names megan, 17, ottawa, canada
used to be bulimic, now ednos
nice to meet you !
;;
PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m bulimic
[ ] call me fat (..im sure they do behind my back)
[ ] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[?] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic (only a couple)
I WISH -
[x] I was THIN !
[x] I had a better body
[ ] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 100 lbs
[ ] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[x] I could stop being ana/mia
I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[ ] shaking (kindof actually)
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[ ]] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
APPERANCE
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I have/had braces.
[ ] I wear glasses.
[?] I would get plastic surgery
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.
FAMILY
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[ ] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.
EMBARRASSMENT
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation. (oh god.. )
[x] Disney movies still make me cry. *lion king, beauty and the beast, fox and the hound
[x] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my trousers rip in public.
RELATIONSHIPS
[x] I'm single
[ ] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[ ] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.
SEXUALITY
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.
HONESTY
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
BAD TIMES
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[x] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression. *never been assesed, but im quite certain i am
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[ ] take anti-depressants.
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x ] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I'm addicted to self harm.
[ ] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[ ]I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[ ] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[?] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[ ] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat - if i ate too much or something unhealthy
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[ ]I've taken diet pills
[ ]i've used laxatives
[x] I've purged
HAVE/HAD
[x] Bulimia
[ ] Anorexia
[x] Ednos
[ ] Orthorexia
[ ] Over-exercising
[x] Binge eating
[x] I exercise
[ ] I exercise so I can eat
[ ] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily *try
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I've fainted from exhaustion
I've done:
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[ ] Diet pills
[ ] Pain killers
[ ] Anti-depressants
[x] Ecstasy
[x] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine
[ ] Herion
[ ] Other
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[ ] I collect thinspo
[ ] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[ ] I hate food
[x] I love food
[ ] I want to be this way
[x] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority
[x] I don't want to get better
[x] I do want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[ ] I'm doing this for someone
[x ] I'm doing this to prove that i have control.
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